I never knew what it meant to suffocate until that night…
You gave new birth to the meaning of the word. I couldn’t remember the last time I had an asthma attack, yet it was so easy for my lungs to give in to the pressure of not having enough room to breathe. I felt my chest collapse as though the world was on top of it. Five words:
I can’t be your friend…
This brought back six-year-old memories of asthma induced weight-loss…I remember secretly loving those moments where I was skinny… but only for a second.
But I didn’t love this feeling. I waited for the day you would give up on me, when your five-year chase would come to a screeching halt. Only I thought I would have a different reaction…
I never thought it would feel like a train wreck happened on the inside. It was as though someone ripped my heart right out of my chest.
I thought I knew what heartache felt like, but now, I’m not so sure.
The next 24-hours were the longest in history.
You gave me an ultimatum
and all I could think about was seeing you.
I’d never heard you so hurt before.
Tears that only fell at funerals,
were falling because of me.
I knew that I couldn’t lose you
and I refused to risk it all.
No way would I deprive you of your happiness,
just because I chose to punish myself.
There was nothing keeping me from being with the love of my life,
just past hurt and religion.
When you’re almost 25 and with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and you hear “We need to talk,” your mind goes directly to breakup mode.
I just knew it was over.
They say that it takes twice as long to get over as it takes to get to know.
I knew that it would be a long 34 years.
34 years from now,
you’ll be retired and I’ll be running my private practice
helping others in the place of you.
I would no longer have you to give that extra push. Others would need that shove.
Maybe I can catch it early.
Maybe they won’t have to grow up with the pain from their past.
Maybe I could be their reason for letting go.
Maybe I can be the voice of reason to a girl surrounded by close-minded hypocrites,
the one who tells her that it’s okay to love who she loves.
I thought that my heart would break into two. But I already saw it coming. I spent the next few hours imagining what you’d share during our next conversation.
It’s that time…
You’re deploying and can’t stand the thought of leaving me here alone.
My greatest fear is now a reality.
You’re not happy and would rather end it now before you resented me.
Well my imaginations were half right. You weren’t deploying. My soldier was still going to be on this side of the world just not in mine. Just one of my worst fears was coming true. But it didn’t hurt any less.
Nothing hurt as much as the time you no longer wanted to be my friend. At least you’d still be in my life. That’s if I would have you. At least I still had my best friend.
What do you do when the only person who knows your worth tells you they’re not worthy of your love and the only person you chose to freely give your love to, doesn’t know how to deal with it? What if they’re not ready for the love you’ve been cultivating just for them.
That’s when you take all of the energy that you used to exhale the moment you realized that you could finally be with the love of your life and use it elsewhere.
It’s okay to cry…
They say that time heals all wounds, but I say oxygen prevents scars. It’s okay to cry, take all the time you need.