Searching for My Better Whole: When 1/2 Just Won’t Do

better whole

Love is a funny thing. We say things, like he’s my better-half, not really knowing what that means. To love half of a person is great undertaking. Most of us learn to love half people because it takes a lot to be whole. You’re saying that you’ll be the other half that their missing. Honestly, that doesn’t sound like a bad thing. But to love a whole person, is so much greater.

I loved you whole again. I saw something in you that I was missing. I’d lived my life overwhelmed and anxious. When you have the potential to be something great, and it’s bottled inside of daily routine and monotony, you tend to feel lonely. You tend to miss out on the joy of being whole. It’s almost as though you’re too full. But then I met you. You seemed to be missing everything of which I had too much. So I poured it into you. I gave you all that was too much for me to handle. All of the love that I didn’t know what to do with, I gave it to you. And in turn, you showed me who I really was. The parts of me that I hated, you loved, which in turn made me love them too. I loved them because they were enough for you. The whole me, was enough for you.

We try to find parts of ourselves in other people. We try to shape them into the beings that we wish we were. In turn, we make them feel as though they aren’t enough. When they don’t give us what we need, we search for it in things. We surround our lives with clutter. We make ourselves busy. We pretend to be happy, when we’re just going through the motions trying to make the world think that we’re perfect. Some of us even search for it in other people. But we find other people who are also missing things and end up being co-dependent. We love them because we need them instead of needing them because we love them.

I loved you before I knew you. Something about you drew me to you. You felt like home. Lingering hugs and fleeting conversations about nothing. But all of it made me feel closer to you. Closer to the person I didn’t really know. Closer to the person, just like me. My twin soul, my soul mate, my better whole, if you will. Out of all the men I’ve loved, you make sense. You remind me why it never worked with anyone else. It wasn’t supposed to. I’m actually glad it didn’t. 

We search for the perfection that we lack in other people. They let us down every time. Until we’re able to truly love ourselves, we’ll never truly know what love is. We’ll never understand what it means to have someone especially for us. We’ll look for our soul mates in soulless people. We’ll end up hurt every time. We’ll  hurt other people. But when we become whole, finding the one for us will be easy. We’ll spot them from a mile away. We’ll no longer have to figure out if it will work, because it just will.

Everything you thought you were missing, will be clear as day. You’ll see them and all of a sudden, your world makes sense. Love makes sense because you’re no longer looking for your better-half, because sometimes half just won’t do.

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