Journey Through Love (A Poetry Collection)

 

Journey Through Love

 

Journey Through Love (A Poetry Collection)

Excerpt:
“No one ever told me that love would be a journey.
That I would be backpacking through the windows of your past
boarded to hide the things you’re ashamed of.
Skating by your insecurities in order to ease the pain.
Knee deep in the only ocean that separates you from your truth.”

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Dear Son: A Written Interpretation of a Spoken Word Piece by Urban Thoughts.

Urban Thoughts released a video interpretation of his poem “Dear Son” on last week. He asked me to write about it. So here is my written interpretation of this piece. Watch the video below, then read the rest of this post.

“The video became my healing. After I went into the Ozark mountains to finish some other writing, I ended up editing “Dear Son” with the film maker Jason Hall. It became the final poem. But I realized I hadn’t forgiven myself yet. The video became my forgiveness and redemption.” –Urban Thoughts 

For the men who have lost themselves in an abortion…

It’s never easy to say goodbye. Especially when another life is in your hands, another soul, another body. But when your life isn’t the only one at stake here, it becomes impossible.

While watching this video, I asked myself, “What would you do?”

I honestly couldn’t come up with an answer for that. But when you’ve lived your life for others, decisions never seem to be yours anymore.

When the decisions that you told yourself you’d never have to make are looking you in the face, it’s hard to make a choice.

When you’ve contemplated taking your own life, the idea of taking another seems like murder suicide. Because a small part of you dies as well. There’s a saying that with death comes new life. But it’s hard to live a life when you’re missing a piece of it.

But at some point you had to make a decision. Do you give up your future so that your son can have one? Do you change the course that God laid out for you, simply because you weren’t ready. It makes you wonder if readiness isn’t overrated. Nothing ever happens when you want it to happen. You’re never actually ready to be responsible for a new life.

But they say that everything happens for a reason. Even this. There’s a lesson in the pain. There’s a lesson in the regret. You don’t have to punish yourself for something that a younger you did. If we asked you today, that decision may have changed. But who knows how anything else would have turned out.

Even the smallest change in the past disrupts the climate. It changes the course of time. When you’ve given your all to a woman and she starts to harbor a piece of you, she becomes you. That pain that you felt, she felt it too. Women are incubators. Whatever you sow into them turns into something remarkable. You gave her a piece of you and even though she didn’t keep it. Even though that piece didn’t have a chance to grow. Her heart didn’t stop growing.

You asked a question… “Did you fight, like I should have fought for you?” You said that “[you] were reminded… that they say sons are like their fathers.”

If your son was like you, he knew the difference between a murder and a sacrifice. He knew the difference between a victim and a martyr. You weren’t a policeman or a Mr. Zimmerman. You were a young man who ran out of options. You were a young man who hadn’t gotten life figured out yet.

You were a man in love with a woman who hadn’t gotten life figured out yet. You were a young man who learned what it meant for silence to grow into constant yells and screams. Screams that grew from grief. But grief that led to prayer. Prayer that brought you closer to a God of forgiveness. That same forgiveness that you’ve learned to gift yourself. Because in reality, we’ve all done things we’re afraid to admit. We’ve all done things of which we’re ashamed. We’ve all done things that have taken us years to forgive.

They say that time heals all wounds. But I say that time exposes the scars. Those scars tell a story of why we’re still here. They tell the memories that we try to forget or the ones that we hold onto. Some memories we hold onto for dear life. Some scars we cut open so that the pain doesn’t disappear. We feel that if the pain leaves, so does the memory. But in that comes growth. Those same scars grow back stronger even when we try to make them wounds. Eventually they’ll all forgive themselves. It’s only right that you do too.

 

Credits:

Harley Quinn on (background vocals)

Poetic Sun and Suavo J (actors)

AC Dutch of 224 Studio (recording)

Jarvis Sumlin (J.D. Daltry) of KneeBraceMusic (audio production)

Tundrea Lyons (voiceover on the phone)

 

‘Twas The Night After Christmas: A Short Story

Twas The Night.png

Christmas was probably my least favorite time of year. They say that depression kicks in around this time. But that wasn’t my case. I was just typically unimpressed by the entire thing, the Christmas trees, mistletoe, carols, gifts, and definitely the snow. This year wasn’t much different. The one thing that was, was him. This year I wasn’t alone. I had a reason to celebrate and a reason to decorate my home. He never celebrated Christmas growing up and this year, he wanted it to be special. He had just gotten home from war. He didn’t have much family, just me. So, I wanted to make this day special for him. After all, it was the day after Christmas. His flight got delayed so he wasn’t able to make it for Christmas, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t normally celebrate anyway. Better late than, never right?

I had to pick him Romeo up from the airport at noon. By 11:00, I had completed the meal for us to eat, decorated the Christmas tree and wrapped his gifts. I was at the gate waiting for him at 11:45.

“Yo!!!! Lisa!!”

He seemed so excited to see me.

“How long has it been? A year?”

“Probably longer. You know you don’t know how to come see a brother.”

“Whatever Romeo. Ready to go?”

“You know it. I hope you got dinner ready.”

“You do realize that it’s only noon, right?”

“I do, but I’m also hungry. You know they only feed us peanuts and water on the planes now. I’m starving.”

“Don’t worry about it. Have I ever let you down?”

“Maybe that one time back in high school. But that’s a conversation for another day.”

He drove us to the house. I remember when we were in high school, he never let me touch a steering wheel. He said as long as he was around, driving was the least of my worries.

After what seemed like hours in traffic, we made it to the house. He grabbed his bags out of the trunk as I walked to unlock the door.

“I keep forgetting how beautiful your home is.”

“Thanks! I guess my interior decorating skills come in handy somewhere.”

“What do you mean somewhere? You’ve been doing this for years. I’m sure you just take extra care while decorating your own home.”

“You’re right. I love it. With everyone else, it’s almost like going on a first date with someone. I have to learn things about them to make sure that whatever I put in the house is a direct reflection of them.”

“I understand that.”

He walked into the living room.

“Lisa, you didn’t have to put up the tree.”

“What kind of Christmas would it be, if I didn’t?”

“A great one, because I get to spend it with you.”

“Well aren’t you sweet!”

“I try to be. But about this food. I’ll go put my bags in the guest bedroom.”

I was reheating the food when he walked into the kitchen.

“So, what did you make?”

“Seafood dressing, baked macaroni and cheese, sweet potatoes, and kale.”

“That sounds delicious. I can’t wait.”

“It’ll be ready shortly. The table’s already set. Go through my albums and see if you find anything you want to listen to.”

Just as I was taking the food to the table, I heard Nat King Cole “The Christmas Song” playing over the loud speakers. I couldn’t believe that he remembered. That was my absolute favorite version of that song and I loved Nat King Cole.

“Dinner’s served, Romeo.”

“Everything looks great, Lisa! I want to thank you again for allowing me to spend a few days with you. I would have been in a lonely hotel eating take-out if you hadn’t.”

“Well I happen to love take-out.”

“I’m sure you do. But thank you anyway.”

“You’re welcome. Now let’s sit down and eat.”

We spent the next thirty minutes, eating and talking about old times. Romeo and I met in high school. I had a crush on him. But he liked someone else. So instead of making a big deal about it, I decided to just be his friend. That was probably the best decision I made, because he was the best friend that a girl could request. He did everything that you would expect a boyfriend to do. He set the bar so high that it was hard to find a guy worth my time. When he joined the military after high school, I didn’t want him to leave. But he had to do what was best for him and his son.

“How’s Jr. doing?”

“He’s great. Growing every day. His mom sends me pictures all the time. I’m going to try and see him before I leave the city. They’re visiting her family for the holidays. Hopefully, they’ll be back in town before I leave.”

“I remember when you started dating his mom. I just knew you two would get married.”

“I thought so too. But you never know how things will turn out. I actually thought about you a lot while I was overseas.”

“Really? What were those thoughts exactly?”

“We have a lot of history, Lisa. I really wish we had stayed in touch more over the years.”

“It’s okay. We’re back at it now, right?”

“Yes, we are. Want to watch a movie?”

“Sure, why not. What did you have in mind?”

“I haven’t seen ‘The Preacher’s Wife’ in years. Probably since high school. What about that?”

“I love that movie. I guess you are in the Christmas mood huh?”

“You know it.”

“Wait, before we do that, I got you something. It’s wrapped under the tree.”

“I saw that. I just knew that it was yours.”

“Well you’re the only one who celebrates Christmas the next day. I opened my few gifts yesterday. Just open it.”

He opened the gift and immediately started to cry.

“Why are you crying?”

“I can’t remember the last time I got a Christmas gift. Thank you.”

“It was nothing. I just saw it and thought of you. I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it.”

“Okay enough of the waterworks. Let’s watch this movie.”

We spent about an hour watching the movie before he fell asleep on the couch. I was lying in his lap. When I looked up, his head was tilted backwards. I woke him up when the movie was over.

“You fell asleep on me Romeo.”

“I’m so sorry. That trip drained me. Maybe I should hit the hay. Hang out tomorrow?”

“Most definitely. There are some clean towels and things in your bathroom already in case you need to wash some of that flight off.”

“I think I may. Thanks again for everything, Lisa.”

“No problem. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I got up, cleaned the kitchen, put the leftovers away, and turned off the tv. If he was going to sleep, I would spend the next few hours reading until I fell asleep.

After a few hours I still couldn’t go to sleep. I remembered when I was in college, he would come to visit me in my on-campus apartment. He would be sleeping on the couch. I could never sleep too far from him when we were in the same place. So, I would get up from my cozy bed and sleep with him on the couch. It was a comfort thing. He never seemed to mind it. But we never talked about it either.

Instead of a couch, he had an entire bed. I made my way into his bedroom. He was dead to the world. I gently pulled the covers back in order not to wake him. I curled up beside him with my head on his chest. Before I could get comfortable, he wrapped his arm around me. As I started to doze off, he kissed me on my forehead. I didn’t have any trouble falling asleep after that.

By the time I woke up it was one in the morning. We did fall asleep early. I looked up at him and he was awake, watching me.

“Hey sleeping beauty. You still having trouble sleeping huh?”

“It only seems to happen when you’re around. I sleep okay most nights.”

“I was hoping you would come sleep with me.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. That was always my favorite part about coming to visit you”

“Well, since it’s another day, I have a question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“You said I let you down in high school. When did I let you down?”

“I can’t believe you waited to ask me that.”

“I was curious and wanted to know.”

“Well if you must know, you let me down the day that you decided to only be my friend.”

“But you liked Ashely. What was I supposed to do?”

“You were supposed to fight for me. The reason Ashley and I broke up was because she thought we were messing off.”

“You never told me that.”

“I didn’t want you to stop being my friend. I knew that if you thought you were interfering with my relationship in anyway, you would’ve disappeared.”

“You’re right, I would have.”

“After all of those years, I have yet to meet anyone who cared about me as genuinely as you.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want your face to be the first face I see when I get home from deployments. I want to enjoy home cooked meals with you. I want to travel with you. Tell me that you feel the same way.”

“I must admit that picking you up from the airport felt natural. Everything about to day felt natural except for us sleeping in separate rooms.”

“Well let’s fix that. Marry me, Lisa.”

“But…”

“Wait, I know that I said I didn’t get you anything but that’s not completely true.”

He reached over to the nightstand and pulled out a ring box.

“Lisa, will you marry me?”

“Yes, Romeo. I will.”

Then came the tears. But this time, they were mine.

We spent the next year planning a wedding that we never expected to have. Who would have known that celebrating Christmas a day late, would make me a bride to be. From that moment on, Christmas had a different meaning. It meant more to me than Christmas trees, mistletoe, carols, gifts, and definitely the snow. It meant that love existed right in front of me, I only had to pay attention and maybe fall asleep in his arms.

Her Husband, My King: Unconventional Ties , Part 2

Her Husband My King Unconventional Ties

To Read Part 1: Click Here

“Love is composed of one soul inhabiting  two bodies. “ -Aristotle

Looking into his eyes was like looking at myself in the mirror.  Except he was everything  that was good about me.  I thought he was beautiful.  There were times when I questioned my beauty. I had been told my whole life how beautiful I was.  But when you’ve gone your entire life falling for guys who never thought you were good enough,  you wonder if people are just saying things to be nice. You wonder if they saw something deeper.

I knew that I had a beautiful heart,  but it’s impossible to make someone fall in love with your heart when they aren’t attracted to the owner.

It was like he saw my heart through my eyes.  I didn’t have to tell him who I was because he knew.  The more time we spent getting to know each other,  the more we realized how much we had in common.  Like that one time I smashed my finger in my car door and had to cut off my ring that I always wore. Then there was the time when he broke his finger and his wedding band was stuck. Same hand,  same finger,  different bodies.  Then there was the fact that cold weather made both of our right ankles hurt, due to a similar injury years ago.

I remember growing up and feeling upset. Not really knowing why, I would pray for my future husband. Because if I came from him, I was bound to feel his pain. So if I was emotionally upset for no reason, he had to be going through something in that very moment. If there was a pain in my chest, I assumed his heart was hurting. So I would anoint my chest with healing oil because I needed him to be okay for me. If I was unable to physically take care of him, I needed to be able to do it spiritually. God heard more prayers about him than myself for a while.

Fast forward about ten years and there I was falling in love with a man who seemed to have gone through life wondering about me. He knew that he was missing something, but he had no idea what it was.

_____________________________________________________________________

“You’re beautiful, Rack.”

“No one’s ever called me beautiful before.”

“You’re how I expect royalty to look. Everything about you, from your facial structure, to the way your eyes wander when you’re in deep thought.”

“Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.”

“Let me take you somewhere.”

“Where?”

“It’s a surprise. Do you trust me?”

“I do.”

“Meet me in the parking lot of the place where we first met? Tonight at 7.”

“I’ll be there. What should I wear?”

“Wear something that makes you feel beautiful.”

I knew exactly what to choose. I knew that he would love it. But most of all it made me feel gorgeous. I bought the dress a few years prior. I had gained a few pounds since, but it still fit just right. There was a time where I loved to wear sundresses, but that time had passed. The extra weight had caused me to push all of my dresses to the back of the closet. I barely wanted to see myself in a dress, so I was sure that no one else wanted to see it either. But when Rack told me to wear something that made me feel beautiful, I chose the only thing that I knew would bring back the old me, the Sheila that could turn the head of every guy in the room.

I was there about thirty minutes early, and he was already there. I was early to everything. I would much rather drive normally and get somewhere early than to rush and be late.

“Rack, you’re early!”

“So are you. Ready to go?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Don’t be nervous. It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

He drove for about twenty minutes before we made it to our destination.

“I’ve always wanted to take someone here. I’m happy that you said yes.”

“Anywhere with you, was fine with me. You could’ve invited me to church and I would’ve been happy to go.”

“Speaking of church, how often do you attend?”

“Every week. My church family is really close. We’re really more like friends than anything.”

“I think that’s cool. I grew up in church. But let’s finish this conversation in a few. Follow me?”

We got out of the car and he led me to this lit grassy area near the parking lot, under a tree. I wasn’t sure where we were but it was beautiful. You could see the stars in the sky and there was no one around. The typical person would be afraid. But I knew that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

The sun had set and the moon was full. There was a blanket laying under the tree with a basket. There was a tea candle on top of the basket. The wind was still tonight, so there was no chance of it blowing out the flame.

“I’ve never been on a picnic.”

“I figured, if we had no distractions, we could get to know each other a little better. I know that our usual hangout spots aren’t really conversation friendly.”

“You’re right. But I enjoy being in your presence more than you know. I think I’ve grown to know you pretty well, my idea of you at least.”

“Tell me something. What do you see when you look at me?”

“Well, I noticed you from afar. You seemed quiet.  I imagine that you grew up in a loving household with siblings. But I also imagine you being the quiet one. You look like you used to play sports, maybe football. I think you’re smart and have a knack for learning new things. It seems like you’re good with your hands.”

I grabbed his hands with mine,

“They’re rough. So, I’m sure that you’re no stranger to hard work. Your eyes are gentle. I think you have a lot of love inside. You give the best hugs. But I feel like you don’t get them enough.”

“So, you’re just going to read me like an open book huh?”

“Your eyes tell me more than you probably want me to know.”

“I’d tell you everything about me if you asked.”

“An open book.”

He laughed.

For the next hour, we ate shrimp alfredo, baked salmon, and strawberry cheesecake, courtesy of Chef Rack. I had no idea that he could cook, but I was pleasantly surprised. I was stuffed and I hadn’t laughed so much in my entire life.

“I hope you enjoyed yourself.”

“That would be an understatement. This is the most fun I’ve had in a very long time. I don’t usually leave the house much.”

“Well I’m glad you did, or else, you would’ve never met me.”

“That would have been a great injustice.”

“I agree.”

“I spent a lot of years wondering when I would meet someone who would mean the world to me. But I knew that if I didn’t get out, I’d never meet him unless of course he was a pizza delivery guy or the mailman.”

“That’s the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. Well I’m glad that you knew you deserved much more than that.”

“I’m glad I did too. I think this is the start of something beautiful.”

“Something beautiful indeed.”

He drove me back to my car and for the first time, I wished that he didn’t have to leave. The closer that we got to my car, the more I wished he would keep driving, to somewhere far away, that we could be together.  Before I finished that thought, we had made it.

“Text me when you make it home?”

“You can count on it.”

“Thank you for tonight. I had an amazing time.”

“Anything for you, Sheila.”

I hugged him and he kissed me on my forehead. It was the warmest, most gentle kiss.

“Goodnight Rack.”

“Goodnight Shelia.”

The drive home was quiet, but loud. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and honestly, I didn’t want to. Thoughts of him were bound to turn into sweet dreams. As I walked into the house, I made sure to shoot him a text.
Text conversation

I was convinced that if nights ended with dreams of him, waking up without him may not be so hard.

Finding Your Happy: When What You Can Get Isn’t Good Enough!

 

enjoying life

Photo cred: Michael Butler Jr. of one901

 

“You made this choice, so you have to take what you can get.”

When you’ve been hearing this your whole life, you start to wonder if you’re making the wrong choices. But you were also raised by a strong woman who taught you to go after what you wanted and to never take no for an answer.

But there’s nothing wrong with telling yourself no sometimes, especially when it’s for your own good.

We go through life wanting to be accepted. When we’re not, it hurts. It also hurts when people misunderstand you. You spend time getting to know people and you show those people your surface. After all, everyone isn’t built to see your heart.

Everyone won’t understand how you can love so deeply even when people don’t love you back. They’ll turn your good deeds into selfish acts. They’ll diminish who you are. They’ll misinterpret your nonchalant nature that protects your open heart from getting damaged for lack of care. And that couldn’t be farther from the truth. You actually care too much, so much that you’ve sacrificed a lot of your dreams for friendships that didn’t last more than a month.

You’ll cry, you’ll pretend not to. You’ll spend most nights feeling like that fifteen year old girl who no one liked. The girl who fell in love too quickly and gave too much. You’ll wish those memories didn’t exist. You’ll be reminded by your best friend that those memories remind you to never go back to that place. You’ll cry on their shoulder. You’ll send them messages in the middle of the night because you know they’re not awake to read them. You’ll wake up the next morning to a love letter in the form of praises and honesty from one of the few people who actually get you.

“You’re beautiful,” they’ll say. “You’re important and forget anyone who thinks otherwise. They may not need you. But you need you. I need you. Fight through this!”

You’ll feel embarrassed because as hard as the night before was, you’ll find joy in the sunlight. You’ll find joy in waking up in the morning. You’ll realize that your emotions are real, even the fleeting ones.

You’ll find your happy in small moments, in passing smiles. You’ll find a smile in your dreams. Peace lives there. You’ll learn to wake up with your dreams still on your heart. Because most days it’s the only thing that’ll keep you going.

You won’t accept “take what you can get.” Because whose right is it to tell what to take. People will force themselves into your thoughts. They’ll try to tell you that you’re less than everything you know to be. They’ll point out your flaws in hopes that they will overshadow the good in you.

You put good things into the atmosphere. You give all the love you can, in hopes that it’ll come back to you. Even when it doesn’t, you’ll know it wasn’t in vain. Because one day there will be a moment when all of the happy that you were looking for, will show up out of nowhere wearing your hopes and dreams proudly. It’ll show up dressed in confidence and beauty. It will be all that you prayed it would be and then some. It’ll remind you of all those nights that you spent wanting to feel accepted. And you’ll see that it never mattered. Because in the end, you found your happy and what you have now, is everything you’ve ever wanted.

Her Husband, My King: Unconventional Ties, Introduction

Her Husband My King Unconventional Ties 

I grew up learning that woman came from man’s rib. There’s the story that God put man to sleep, took one of his ribs and formed woman. So I believed that when a man found his rib, he would know. It would be as though he’d lived his life missing a piece of him and the moment that he was in the room with her, he would feel whole again. Also, the woman would feel at home when she was near him, after all she did come from him.  That theory died a little, after years and years of dating men who just weren’t it. I found myself settling for good enough. As long as they loved me slightly, I let it ride. I would give all of my love in hopes that something magical would happen. It never did. Because they just weren’t the one for me. Until the day that I met him.

Let me tell you about my king.

You know the saying, “eyes are the windows to the soul?” Well I never thought that was true until I met Rack. Rack was 6’2 about 300 pounds. He was beautiful. He had skin that reminded me of the motherlands and a smile that rivaled even the best Colgate models. He was quiet and gentle. I secretly gave him the nickname, gentle giant. He was an artist. His persona gave off one of authority and aggression. But I saw something else in his eyes. I saw peace and a story that was waiting to get out. I also saw hurt. I could see that behind that gorgeous smile, something was wrong. I was dying to hear his story one day. But there was one problem. He was married.

Meeting him was like falling in love with yourself after years of wondering why anyone else would. 

It’s like getting to know you all over again, when you never knew you should.

You look into their eyes and you’re reflected inside.

You’re not sure where it’s headed but you’re down for the ride.

You’ll ride to the moon with them if it meant more time spent.

It’s so hard to walk away. You wonder where they’ve been.

You wonder if it’s just a phase, but you’re sure there’s more in store.

You’ve never liked to share,

But you like him a little bit more.

You’ll give him all the love because he’s shown so much to you.

It’s non-traditional, but it works for you.

I always told myself that I would never date a married man. So regardless of how he made me feel, I had to let the idea of getting to know him go. He’d never entertain my advances and I had no intentions of advancing past friendship. But there was something in the way he hugged me. It was almost as though he didn’t want to let go. I was comfortable with staying in his arms. But I kept looking past him. There weren’t many times when he’d go out alone. But I looked forward to the times that he did.

One night, he was alone. It was late. We were hanging out among friends and it was a bit chilly outside. I instinctively cuddled up next to him and he didn’t push me away. He welcomed me with opened arms. It seemed like the warmest place to be. In that moment, I knew that he was something special. It felt like I belonged there. I had no clue why he felt so comfortable, so familiar. I had no intentions of finding out. But the way he looked at me when I backed away made me sad. I knew in that moment, that I had to be close to him, that this had to happen. I knew that if he was home, I’d never be sick again.

That night was the start of something beautiful. Friendly text conversations turned into a game of 21 questions. We spent hours messaging about each other’s favorite things, from colors to positions. Nothing was off limits. We were getting to know each other after all. Funny how, I’d known this man for over a year, maybe two. But I didn’t really know him. I honestly didn’t know anything about him other than the fact that he was married. He was an open book and I was nervous. He did everything in his power to make me feel comfortable. He told me to take my time, and I did.

“I can’t believe we’ve never talked before.”

“I can’t either, but I’m glad that we’re talking now, Rack.”

“If you could ask me anything, what would it be?”

“How many times have you been in love?”

“Not many. Maybe twice.”

“I’ve been in love too much to count. But none of them loved me in return.”

“I can’t believe that.”

“Believe it. I really wish that it wasn’t true. But it is. I spent a lot of time trying to prove myself to men who couldn’t reciprocate general feelings for me.”

“I’m not sure how you’ve stayed single for this long.”

“Hopefully, that won’t always be the case.”

“If I have anything to do with it, it won’t.”

I wondered if he was just running game. But he seemed sincere. It was almost as though I was having a conversation with my father. He said all of the right things at all of the right times. But he didn’t come off as a know-it-all. He was genuine. Before ending the conversation, he said something to me that took all of my anxiety away.

“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. The moment I saw you, I knew that you were someone that I had to know and here we are. Can we keep this going?”

“As long as you’ll have me.”

That was something that I told most people. In the past, I had a bad habit of running men away. I had the tendency to come on too strong. I didn’t want to do the same with him. But he assured me that it was okay to be myself. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too much. Even with his permission, I chose to keep a lot of my feelings under wraps. After all, he did belong to someone else.

Searching for My Better Whole: When 1/2 Just Won’t Do

better whole

Love is a funny thing. We say things, like he’s my better-half, not really knowing what that means. To love half of a person is great undertaking. Most of us learn to love half people because it takes a lot to be whole. You’re saying that you’ll be the other half that their missing. Honestly, that doesn’t sound like a bad thing. But to love a whole person, is so much greater.

I loved you whole again. I saw something in you that I was missing. I’d lived my life overwhelmed and anxious. When you have the potential to be something great, and it’s bottled inside of daily routine and monotony, you tend to feel lonely. You tend to miss out on the joy of being whole. It’s almost as though you’re too full. But then I met you. You seemed to be missing everything of which I had too much. So I poured it into you. I gave you all that was too much for me to handle. All of the love that I didn’t know what to do with, I gave it to you. And in turn, you showed me who I really was. The parts of me that I hated, you loved, which in turn made me love them too. I loved them because they were enough for you. The whole me, was enough for you.

We try to find parts of ourselves in other people. We try to shape them into the beings that we wish we were. In turn, we make them feel as though they aren’t enough. When they don’t give us what we need, we search for it in things. We surround our lives with clutter. We make ourselves busy. We pretend to be happy, when we’re just going through the motions trying to make the world think that we’re perfect. Some of us even search for it in other people. But we find other people who are also missing things and end up being co-dependent. We love them because we need them instead of needing them because we love them.

I loved you before I knew you. Something about you drew me to you. You felt like home. Lingering hugs and fleeting conversations about nothing. But all of it made me feel closer to you. Closer to the person I didn’t really know. Closer to the person, just like me. My twin soul, my soul mate, my better whole, if you will. Out of all the men I’ve loved, you make sense. You remind me why it never worked with anyone else. It wasn’t supposed to. I’m actually glad it didn’t. 

We search for the perfection that we lack in other people. They let us down every time. Until we’re able to truly love ourselves, we’ll never truly know what love is. We’ll never understand what it means to have someone especially for us. We’ll look for our soul mates in soulless people. We’ll end up hurt every time. We’ll  hurt other people. But when we become whole, finding the one for us will be easy. We’ll spot them from a mile away. We’ll no longer have to figure out if it will work, because it just will.

Everything you thought you were missing, will be clear as day. You’ll see them and all of a sudden, your world makes sense. Love makes sense because you’re no longer looking for your better-half, because sometimes half just won’t do.

This is How You Love Her: When You’ve Found Your Rib

This is how you love her (1)

Most girls have planned their weddings before they ever go on their first date. They cook pretend meals for their pretend husbands and change pretend diapers on their pretend babies. But this is all in preparation for the real thing.

She was ready for you before she ever met you. She prayed that when you met, she would know right away. When she went on her first date, she wondered if she would luck up and meet the love of her life on the first try. Of course, she didn’t. But when that boy broke her heart, her father was the one to tell her that any boy who didn’t want her was crazy and that she deserved better.

She spent the next few years looking for that in a man. She searched for her father in a world full of sons. She dated them all. She dated the popular guy who made her feel like she was the only girl who mattered, until she wasn’t. She dated her best friend who decided that their friendship was too important to ruin. Yet, a few years later, that friendship ended for an unrelated reason. She dated the shy kid who suddenly started to see his worth and decided to share that with the world.

She cultivated a man. She saw his strengths, she mended his weaknesses. She gave him something to believe in and he married someone else. But she wished his wife the best. After all, he had finally reached his potential. At least she got to see all of her hard work come to fruition, even if it wasn’t with her.

There’s something about a girl who loves hard. Even when he isn’t for her, she pours so much love into him that it’s bound to overflow back into her life. But she hasn’t always felt that way.

You’ll meet her and it’ll feel like everything you’ve ever missed is standing right in front of you, every prayer wrapped inside of one person, every dream turned a reality. It’ll feel like you’ve been missing a part of you but you never noticed until it was back at your side.

“Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” Genesis 2:22-23

You’ll remember the time that you broke your finger and find out soon that she smashed her finger that year. Bone of your bone. Though the pain wasn’t as intense, she shared that moment with you. Your lives have crossed in more ways than one and you wonder how you ever lived without her. You realize that she’s been through hell before you and you make it your mission to give her all of the love that she’s given to people who didn’t know how to deal with it.

You look at her and you see her heart. You see all the pain she’s endured and how she’s overcame it and wonder how she still has room to love you. She’ll love you back to life. She’ll show you that everyone you dated previously was nothing like the person that God created from you, for you. You still can’t believe it.

You’ll watch her grow just from being in your presence and you realize that neither of you could reach your full potential until you could reach it together.  That’s been God’s plan all along. All of those prayers were being manifested inside of a woman who knew as soon as she met you. Your side feels like home. She can’t be sad there. It’s exactly what she’s been missing. No wonder she’s been lost. Her home was always with you.

So love her, like you’ve wanted to be loved all your life. She’ll never disappoint you. She’ll never leave your side. Besides, she is your rib, after all.

This is How You Love Him: When You’ve Met Your Soulmate

This is how you love him

Love is a simple thing. Many would argue with me and say that it’s supposed to be complicated. But I disagree.

“Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, It does not boast, It is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.” 1 Corinthians 4-7

Love is patient:

They say that good things come to those who wait. Well love is the best gift. When you love someone, sometimes you have to wait because you never know what may be on the path ahead. Don’t rush. Just let things fall as they may.

Love is kind:

It’s the feeling that you get when someone does something for you just because. It’s the feeling you have after spending Sunday dinner with family and ending the night on the front porch drinking lemonade and eating homemade butter cookies.

It does not envy:

Sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s envious of the things that should come second nature.

Imagine, being in love with someone but you’re not allowed to say. Love is a compromise. It is the feeling of certainty when they walk into a room. It is the feeling of peace that comes over you after a long day, when you thought you were angry. It’s the doubt that leaves, when they put you in your place.

Have you ever met your rib?

If you have to think about it, you haven’t.

Your rib is the missing piece of you. It’s the part of you that all makes sense. Imagine feeling emotions that don’t belong to you, or sharing thoughts without even knowing it.

Do you remember that time you hurt your leg? She felt it. She couldn’t figure out why it hurt so bad. Her mom told her, “They’re just growing pains. They’ll go away soon.”

Love is growing pains. It is realizing that you spent your entire life searching for someone who was with you all along. It is being hurt that you had to go through so much heartache and that he had to endure it too.

It does not boast, It isn’t proud:

Love should never make you feel inadequate. It isn’t proud. But if you must, be proud of each other. Be proud that out of all the girls in the world, he chose you.

But what does it mean to be chosen? What does it mean to belong to someone? I wish I knew the answer to that. But once you meet the one, there’s no question. You’re proud of the person they’ve become. You’re proud that you endured all of that pain that led you to him.

It does not dishonor others:

People see you and can only think of good things. They don’t see you for your falls, only the times you’ve risen, because they far outweigh your downs.

Love is self-explanatory. It has the ability to stand on it’s own when questioned. It’s that person who says, “Oh, I could see it in your eyes,” or the person who says, “I love ya’lls spirit. There’s something that shines when you two walk into a room.” It’s people knowing that you belong together before he grabs your hand or puts his arm around your waist or kisses you on your forehead as he walks by.

Love is everything you ever dreamt of wrapped up in the prayers of your mother that you’ll find someone who loves you after years of giving love to those who didn’t deserve it.

If you’ve ever doubted it, you may be still searching. But don’t stop, it’s just over the horizon. If you ever give up hope, just remember that love always hopes, it always preserves.

If you wonder why no one has ever loved you for you, realize that God only shows your heart to the one who is supposed to protect it. Love always protects. He can’t protect something he can’t see.

So just hold on, because when it’s all said and done, This is How You Love Him…

Your soulmate, that is!

Goodnight.