Searching for My Better Whole: When 1/2 Just Won’t Do

better whole

Love is a funny thing. We say things, like he’s my better-half, not really knowing what that means. To love half of a person is great undertaking. Most of us learn to love half people because it takes a lot to be whole. You’re saying that you’ll be the other half that their missing. Honestly, that doesn’t sound like a bad thing. But to love a whole person, is so much greater.

I loved you whole again. I saw something in you that I was missing. I’d lived my life overwhelmed and anxious. When you have the potential to be something great, and it’s bottled inside of daily routine and monotony, you tend to feel lonely. You tend to miss out on the joy of being whole. It’s almost as though you’re too full. But then I met you. You seemed to be missing everything of which I had too much. So I poured it into you. I gave you all that was too much for me to handle. All of the love that I didn’t know what to do with, I gave it to you. And in turn, you showed me who I really was. The parts of me that I hated, you loved, which in turn made me love them too. I loved them because they were enough for you. The whole me, was enough for you.

We try to find parts of ourselves in other people. We try to shape them into the beings that we wish we were. In turn, we make them feel as though they aren’t enough. When they don’t give us what we need, we search for it in things. We surround our lives with clutter. We make ourselves busy. We pretend to be happy, when we’re just going through the motions trying to make the world think that we’re perfect. Some of us even search for it in other people. But we find other people who are also missing things and end up being co-dependent. We love them because we need them instead of needing them because we love them.

I loved you before I knew you. Something about you drew me to you. You felt like home. Lingering hugs and fleeting conversations about nothing. But all of it made me feel closer to you. Closer to the person I didn’t really know. Closer to the person, just like me. My twin soul, my soul mate, my better whole, if you will. Out of all the men I’ve loved, you make sense. You remind me why it never worked with anyone else. It wasn’t supposed to. I’m actually glad it didn’t. 

We search for the perfection that we lack in other people. They let us down every time. Until we’re able to truly love ourselves, we’ll never truly know what love is. We’ll never understand what it means to have someone especially for us. We’ll look for our soul mates in soulless people. We’ll end up hurt every time. We’ll  hurt other people. But when we become whole, finding the one for us will be easy. We’ll spot them from a mile away. We’ll no longer have to figure out if it will work, because it just will.

Everything you thought you were missing, will be clear as day. You’ll see them and all of a sudden, your world makes sense. Love makes sense because you’re no longer looking for your better-half, because sometimes half just won’t do.

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This is How You Love Him: When You’ve Met Your Soulmate

This is how you love him

Love is a simple thing. Many would argue with me and say that it’s supposed to be complicated. But I disagree.

“Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, It does not boast, It is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.” 1 Corinthians 4-7

Love is patient:

They say that good things come to those who wait. Well love is the best gift. When you love someone, sometimes you have to wait because you never know what may be on the path ahead. Don’t rush. Just let things fall as they may.

Love is kind:

It’s the feeling that you get when someone does something for you just because. It’s the feeling you have after spending Sunday dinner with family and ending the night on the front porch drinking lemonade and eating homemade butter cookies.

It does not envy:

Sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s envious of the things that should come second nature.

Imagine, being in love with someone but you’re not allowed to say. Love is a compromise. It is the feeling of certainty when they walk into a room. It is the feeling of peace that comes over you after a long day, when you thought you were angry. It’s the doubt that leaves, when they put you in your place.

Have you ever met your rib?

If you have to think about it, you haven’t.

Your rib is the missing piece of you. It’s the part of you that all makes sense. Imagine feeling emotions that don’t belong to you, or sharing thoughts without even knowing it.

Do you remember that time you hurt your leg? She felt it. She couldn’t figure out why it hurt so bad. Her mom told her, “They’re just growing pains. They’ll go away soon.”

Love is growing pains. It is realizing that you spent your entire life searching for someone who was with you all along. It is being hurt that you had to go through so much heartache and that he had to endure it too.

It does not boast, It isn’t proud:

Love should never make you feel inadequate. It isn’t proud. But if you must, be proud of each other. Be proud that out of all the girls in the world, he chose you.

But what does it mean to be chosen? What does it mean to belong to someone? I wish I knew the answer to that. But once you meet the one, there’s no question. You’re proud of the person they’ve become. You’re proud that you endured all of that pain that led you to him.

It does not dishonor others:

People see you and can only think of good things. They don’t see you for your falls, only the times you’ve risen, because they far outweigh your downs.

Love is self-explanatory. It has the ability to stand on it’s own when questioned. It’s that person who says, “Oh, I could see it in your eyes,” or the person who says, “I love ya’lls spirit. There’s something that shines when you two walk into a room.” It’s people knowing that you belong together before he grabs your hand or puts his arm around your waist or kisses you on your forehead as he walks by.

Love is everything you ever dreamt of wrapped up in the prayers of your mother that you’ll find someone who loves you after years of giving love to those who didn’t deserve it.

If you’ve ever doubted it, you may be still searching. But don’t stop, it’s just over the horizon. If you ever give up hope, just remember that love always hopes, it always preserves.

If you wonder why no one has ever loved you for you, realize that God only shows your heart to the one who is supposed to protect it. Love always protects. He can’t protect something he can’t see.

So just hold on, because when it’s all said and done, This is How You Love Him…

Your soulmate, that is!

Goodnight.

For The Girl Who Wants to be out of Her Feelings and in a Relationship…

letters-to-a-younger-meYou’ll fall in love, a lot, place them on pedestals, and give them all of you with nothing to show for it. They won’t return the favor. You’ll cherish the company, but hate the lack of attention. You’ll wish you were single. You’ll pray that they get it right. They won’t.

You’ll compare those men to your father. They’ll never meet his standards. You’ll realize that it’s almost impossible to do so. You’ll lower your standards. Every guy who approaches you after this fact will act accordingly. They’ll tell you that they love you. You’ll believe them. They’ll leave you for someone less  likely to love them. After all, you’re the first girl to ever love them completely. You’ll offer to help them become the best them. They won’t care enough to let you.

You’ll get your heartbroken and finally give in to reality, falling in love with whoever you want. You won’t let the rest of the world dictate who you love. You’ll love them unconditionally. They’ll be your best friend. You’ll fall on hard times. It’ll be too much for them to handle. They’ll break up with you before your one-year anniversary. You’ll cry. They’ll find someone else. You’re left to pick up the pieces. They’ll continue to want to be your friend. It will be hard and damn near impossible.

You’ll try the newest dating apps, POF and BAE. You’ll meet your cousin. You’ll have about three conversations before you realize you’re related. He’ll be upset. He’ll like you anyway. He’ll say, “It’s not like we’re first cousins.” You’ll tell him this isn’t Mississippi. You’ll stop calling and answering. He’ll get upset. You refuse to be kissing cousins. He doesn’t care. You’ll wonder how things would have turned out had he not been your cousin. You refuse to give your children a reason to be handicap. He seems to not care. You distance yourself from him. He calls you three months later. You’ve met someone new, a potential boyfriend maybe. He backs off.

You start to receive phone calls from that ex in college who still won’t admit to cheating on you back then. He’ll say he misses you. You miss him too. You invite him over. You spend the weekend together. He asks when you will get back together He leaves. You keep in touch. A month later, there’s a Facebook post. He’s having a baby. You wonder when it will happen for you.

You start to believe that you’re the stepping stone for men who want to get married. You show men how to love. You show them what it’s like to be loved by a woman who isn’t afraid of the word. They take what they learned and let it work for their next relationship. They’ll ask you to be a part of their wedding. You’ll be angry, but you do it. You spend the entire wedding happy for him until you see the way he looks at his bride as she walks down the aisle. You try to remember the last time someone looked at you like that. It hasn’t happened, yet. You shed a tear. People around you think they’re happy tears. Your best friend knows the truth. She says, “I thought you were over him.” You thought you were too. You’ll sit through the rest of the wedding. You’ll go to the reception. You go out with the new couple afterwards. You go home, alone.

You’ll join a single’s group. You’ll meet someone. He’s already in love with someone. You wonder why even be in a single’s group if you’re not really single. You X him out of potential suitors. You spend Valentine’s day at a single’s mixer with ten women and three men. One of the men doesn’t even like women. You have fun. You go to the movies and see “How to Be Single.” You go home, alone.

You spend the next few months reading love stories, talking to friends that are in relationships. You live vicariously through them. You fall in love wit the idea of being in love. You wonder when your chance will come. Everyone you went to school with is getting married or having kids. You want the same.

You’ll meet someone. He’ll become your friend. He’ll tell you everything you want to hear. He’ll spend his days getting to know you. He’ll tell you things he hasn’t shared with anyone else. You’ll spend hours on the phone getting to know each other. He’ll cure your insomnia. Conversations will turn into speechless conversations and you’ll feel like a fifteen year old all over again. Your anxiety tells you that this is too good to be true. It’ll tell you that this is only temporary. He’ll find someone who he likes better than you. But that day never comes. He only has eyes for you. He’ll put those anxieties to rest and make sure that you know he isn’t going anywhere. You aren’t going anywhere. He’ll be the manifestation of everything you’ve ever prayed for. He’ll come wrapped in a different package. He won’t be your type. But types keep people single. Your type never worked out before. This will be a good thing.

You’ll remember the days when you were just a girl who wanted to be out of her feelings and in a relationship. None of that will matter anymore. You’ll walk down the aisle to your favorite song, to your favorite man. He’ll love you for life. The only time you’ll be in your feelings is because he put your there, in a good way.