Dear Son: A Written Interpretation of a Spoken Word Piece by Urban Thoughts.

Urban Thoughts released a video interpretation of his poem “Dear Son” on last week. He asked me to write about it. So here is my written interpretation of this piece. Watch the video below, then read the rest of this post.

“The video became my healing. After I went into the Ozark mountains to finish some other writing, I ended up editing “Dear Son” with the film maker Jason Hall. It became the final poem. But I realized I hadn’t forgiven myself yet. The video became my forgiveness and redemption.” –Urban Thoughts 

For the men who have lost themselves in an abortion…

It’s never easy to say goodbye. Especially when another life is in your hands, another soul, another body. But when your life isn’t the only one at stake here, it becomes impossible.

While watching this video, I asked myself, “What would you do?”

I honestly couldn’t come up with an answer for that. But when you’ve lived your life for others, decisions never seem to be yours anymore.

When the decisions that you told yourself you’d never have to make are looking you in the face, it’s hard to make a choice.

When you’ve contemplated taking your own life, the idea of taking another seems like murder suicide. Because a small part of you dies as well. There’s a saying that with death comes new life. But it’s hard to live a life when you’re missing a piece of it.

But at some point you had to make a decision. Do you give up your future so that your son can have one? Do you change the course that God laid out for you, simply because you weren’t ready. It makes you wonder if readiness isn’t overrated. Nothing ever happens when you want it to happen. You’re never actually ready to be responsible for a new life.

But they say that everything happens for a reason. Even this. There’s a lesson in the pain. There’s a lesson in the regret. You don’t have to punish yourself for something that a younger you did. If we asked you today, that decision may have changed. But who knows how anything else would have turned out.

Even the smallest change in the past disrupts the climate. It changes the course of time. When you’ve given your all to a woman and she starts to harbor a piece of you, she becomes you. That pain that you felt, she felt it too. Women are incubators. Whatever you sow into them turns into something remarkable. You gave her a piece of you and even though she didn’t keep it. Even though that piece didn’t have a chance to grow. Her heart didn’t stop growing.

You asked a question… “Did you fight, like I should have fought for you?” You said that “[you] were reminded… that they say sons are like their fathers.”

If your son was like you, he knew the difference between a murder and a sacrifice. He knew the difference between a victim and a martyr. You weren’t a policeman or a Mr. Zimmerman. You were a young man who ran out of options. You were a young man who hadn’t gotten life figured out yet.

You were a man in love with a woman who hadn’t gotten life figured out yet. You were a young man who learned what it meant for silence to grow into constant yells and screams. Screams that grew from grief. But grief that led to prayer. Prayer that brought you closer to a God of forgiveness. That same forgiveness that you’ve learned to gift yourself. Because in reality, we’ve all done things we’re afraid to admit. We’ve all done things of which we’re ashamed. We’ve all done things that have taken us years to forgive.

They say that time heals all wounds. But I say that time exposes the scars. Those scars tell a story of why we’re still here. They tell the memories that we try to forget or the ones that we hold onto. Some memories we hold onto for dear life. Some scars we cut open so that the pain doesn’t disappear. We feel that if the pain leaves, so does the memory. But in that comes growth. Those same scars grow back stronger even when we try to make them wounds. Eventually they’ll all forgive themselves. It’s only right that you do too.



Harley Quinn on (background vocals)

Poetic Sun and Suavo J (actors)

AC Dutch of 224 Studio (recording)

Jarvis Sumlin (J.D. Daltry) of KneeBraceMusic (audio production)

Tundrea Lyons (voiceover on the phone)



Finding Your Happy: When What You Can Get Isn’t Good Enough!


enjoying life

Photo cred: Michael Butler Jr. of one901


“You made this choice, so you have to take what you can get.”

When you’ve been hearing this your whole life, you start to wonder if you’re making the wrong choices. But you were also raised by a strong woman who taught you to go after what you wanted and to never take no for an answer.

But there’s nothing wrong with telling yourself no sometimes, especially when it’s for your own good.

We go through life wanting to be accepted. When we’re not, it hurts. It also hurts when people misunderstand you. You spend time getting to know people and you show those people your surface. After all, everyone isn’t built to see your heart.

Everyone won’t understand how you can love so deeply even when people don’t love you back. They’ll turn your good deeds into selfish acts. They’ll diminish who you are. They’ll misinterpret your nonchalant nature that protects your open heart from getting damaged for lack of care. And that couldn’t be farther from the truth. You actually care too much, so much that you’ve sacrificed a lot of your dreams for friendships that didn’t last more than a month.

You’ll cry, you’ll pretend not to. You’ll spend most nights feeling like that fifteen year old girl who no one liked. The girl who fell in love too quickly and gave too much. You’ll wish those memories didn’t exist. You’ll be reminded by your best friend that those memories remind you to never go back to that place. You’ll cry on their shoulder. You’ll send them messages in the middle of the night because you know they’re not awake to read them. You’ll wake up the next morning to a love letter in the form of praises and honesty from one of the few people who actually get you.

“You’re beautiful,” they’ll say. “You’re important and forget anyone who thinks otherwise. They may not need you. But you need you. I need you. Fight through this!”

You’ll feel embarrassed because as hard as the night before was, you’ll find joy in the sunlight. You’ll find joy in waking up in the morning. You’ll realize that your emotions are real, even the fleeting ones.

You’ll find your happy in small moments, in passing smiles. You’ll find a smile in your dreams. Peace lives there. You’ll learn to wake up with your dreams still on your heart. Because most days it’s the only thing that’ll keep you going.

You won’t accept “take what you can get.” Because whose right is it to tell what to take. People will force themselves into your thoughts. They’ll try to tell you that you’re less than everything you know to be. They’ll point out your flaws in hopes that they will overshadow the good in you.

You put good things into the atmosphere. You give all the love you can, in hopes that it’ll come back to you. Even when it doesn’t, you’ll know it wasn’t in vain. Because one day there will be a moment when all of the happy that you were looking for, will show up out of nowhere wearing your hopes and dreams proudly. It’ll show up dressed in confidence and beauty. It will be all that you prayed it would be and then some. It’ll remind you of all those nights that you spent wanting to feel accepted. And you’ll see that it never mattered. Because in the end, you found your happy and what you have now, is everything you’ve ever wanted.

For The Girl Who Wants to be out of Her Feelings and in a Relationship…

letters-to-a-younger-meYou’ll fall in love, a lot, place them on pedestals, and give them all of you with nothing to show for it. They won’t return the favor. You’ll cherish the company, but hate the lack of attention. You’ll wish you were single. You’ll pray that they get it right. They won’t.

You’ll compare those men to your father. They’ll never meet his standards. You’ll realize that it’s almost impossible to do so. You’ll lower your standards. Every guy who approaches you after this fact will act accordingly. They’ll tell you that they love you. You’ll believe them. They’ll leave you for someone less  likely to love them. After all, you’re the first girl to ever love them completely. You’ll offer to help them become the best them. They won’t care enough to let you.

You’ll get your heartbroken and finally give in to reality, falling in love with whoever you want. You won’t let the rest of the world dictate who you love. You’ll love them unconditionally. They’ll be your best friend. You’ll fall on hard times. It’ll be too much for them to handle. They’ll break up with you before your one-year anniversary. You’ll cry. They’ll find someone else. You’re left to pick up the pieces. They’ll continue to want to be your friend. It will be hard and damn near impossible.

You’ll try the newest dating apps, POF and BAE. You’ll meet your cousin. You’ll have about three conversations before you realize you’re related. He’ll be upset. He’ll like you anyway. He’ll say, “It’s not like we’re first cousins.” You’ll tell him this isn’t Mississippi. You’ll stop calling and answering. He’ll get upset. You refuse to be kissing cousins. He doesn’t care. You’ll wonder how things would have turned out had he not been your cousin. You refuse to give your children a reason to be handicap. He seems to not care. You distance yourself from him. He calls you three months later. You’ve met someone new, a potential boyfriend maybe. He backs off.

You start to receive phone calls from that ex in college who still won’t admit to cheating on you back then. He’ll say he misses you. You miss him too. You invite him over. You spend the weekend together. He asks when you will get back together He leaves. You keep in touch. A month later, there’s a Facebook post. He’s having a baby. You wonder when it will happen for you.

You start to believe that you’re the stepping stone for men who want to get married. You show men how to love. You show them what it’s like to be loved by a woman who isn’t afraid of the word. They take what they learned and let it work for their next relationship. They’ll ask you to be a part of their wedding. You’ll be angry, but you do it. You spend the entire wedding happy for him until you see the way he looks at his bride as she walks down the aisle. You try to remember the last time someone looked at you like that. It hasn’t happened, yet. You shed a tear. People around you think they’re happy tears. Your best friend knows the truth. She says, “I thought you were over him.” You thought you were too. You’ll sit through the rest of the wedding. You’ll go to the reception. You go out with the new couple afterwards. You go home, alone.

You’ll join a single’s group. You’ll meet someone. He’s already in love with someone. You wonder why even be in a single’s group if you’re not really single. You X him out of potential suitors. You spend Valentine’s day at a single’s mixer with ten women and three men. One of the men doesn’t even like women. You have fun. You go to the movies and see “How to Be Single.” You go home, alone.

You spend the next few months reading love stories, talking to friends that are in relationships. You live vicariously through them. You fall in love wit the idea of being in love. You wonder when your chance will come. Everyone you went to school with is getting married or having kids. You want the same.

You’ll meet someone. He’ll become your friend. He’ll tell you everything you want to hear. He’ll spend his days getting to know you. He’ll tell you things he hasn’t shared with anyone else. You’ll spend hours on the phone getting to know each other. He’ll cure your insomnia. Conversations will turn into speechless conversations and you’ll feel like a fifteen year old all over again. Your anxiety tells you that this is too good to be true. It’ll tell you that this is only temporary. He’ll find someone who he likes better than you. But that day never comes. He only has eyes for you. He’ll put those anxieties to rest and make sure that you know he isn’t going anywhere. You aren’t going anywhere. He’ll be the manifestation of everything you’ve ever prayed for. He’ll come wrapped in a different package. He won’t be your type. But types keep people single. Your type never worked out before. This will be a good thing.

You’ll remember the days when you were just a girl who wanted to be out of her feelings and in a relationship. None of that will matter anymore. You’ll walk down the aisle to your favorite song, to your favorite man. He’ll love you for life. The only time you’ll be in your feelings is because he put your there, in a good way.

For Scott Mescudi, Other black men who suffer, and the ones that didn’t make it.


I know that it’s difficult and that sometimes it’s hard to find the words to say how you feel. I know that when you finally get the courage, it’s hard to find someone who will listen. You should never be ashamed of your truth. Get help when you need it. If not for anyone else, do it for you.

It’s hard to focus on your mental health when the world only focuses on your gifts and talents. It’s hard to wake up, put on a cape, and be a hero, when you don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning.

If you don’t feel like getting out of bed this morning, Don’t! The world will not collapse on the account of you missing a day.

If you don’t feel like talking to anyone today, Don’t! Put your phone on Do Not Disturb mode, place it inside of a box. Don’t open it until you’re okay. Do something that makes you smile. Do something that no one else knows you enjoy and do it alone! Spend time focusing on you.

If you don’t feel like going to work today, Don’t! Call in sick. Tell them that you need the day off. Take a mental health break. Let someone else do your job for the day. You deserve it.

Stop taking care of everyone else for once. From now on, do what makes you happy. Do what satisfies you. Do the very thing that brings you peace.

You’re forced to look out for yourselves in a world that doesn’t care whether you make it home or not. But we need you to make it home. We need you to be okay. When you’re not okay, we’re not okay.

I’m sorry that no one noticed your sadness. Oftentimes we’re too busy dealing with our own issues, our own depressions, our own grievances.

We’ve all lived lies. We’ve all kept secrets that we didn’t want people to know. No one wants the world to see our scars. We cover scars in hopes that no one will notice. Then those scars turn into phantom aches begging for our attention again. But those scars make us strong. They don’t make us weak. When we develop a wound, it heals itself. That self-healing mechanism causes our skin to grow back tougher and more capable of enduring a stronger force that may hurt more next time.

There is strength in acknowledging that you need help. I pray that you get all the help you need. I pray that you do nothing else without, first, taking care of you. I pray that you’re able to find your peace.

Find peace in knowing that we’re here for you. We’re standing in the gap where you feel that you fall short. We want you to be okay, we need you to be okay. We need you here. For the ones who didn’t make it, we need you to survive. We need you to overcome the stereotypes. Depression is killing us faster than old age, faster than natural causes, faster than racist cops on the street.

I know that there’s a lot to make you depressed. There’s a lot for you to be anxious about. There’s a lot to make you think. But the next time you’re sad think about all of the things that make you smile. Think about tomorrow. Today may be bad. But tomorrow will be better. If you’re not here to see it, you’ll never know.

So, for me, for us, for all of the people rooting for you, for all of the ones who didn’t make it, let’s make it through the day. Make it through tomorrow. Let today be a test. Let the nighttime bring you rest. The sun will be brighter in the morning.

We love you!


A Queen who suffers, but made it!




When Waiting to Exhales Turns Into a Gasp for Air

When Waiting to Exhale becomes a Gasp for Air

I never knew what it meant to suffocate until that night…

You gave new birth to the meaning of the word. I couldn’t remember the last time I had an asthma attack, yet it was so easy for my lungs to give in to the pressure of not having enough room to breathe. I felt my chest collapse as though the world was on top of it. Five words:

I can’t be your friend…

This brought back six-year-old memories of asthma induced weight-loss…I remember secretly loving those moments where I was skinny… but only for a second.

But I didn’t love this feeling. I waited for the day you would give up on me, when your five-year chase would come to a screeching halt. Only I thought I would have a different reaction…

I never thought it would feel like a train wreck happened on the inside. It was as though someone ripped my heart right out of my chest.

I thought I knew what heartache felt like, but now, I’m not so sure.

The next 24-hours were the longest in history.
You gave me an ultimatum
and all I could think about was seeing you.

We sat
We cried
We talked
We cried.

I’d never heard you so hurt before.
Tears that only fell at funerals,
were falling because of me.

I knew that I couldn’t lose you
and I refused to risk it all.

No way would I deprive you of your happiness,
just because I chose to punish myself.

There was nothing keeping me from being with the love of my life,
just past hurt and religion.


When you’re almost 25 and with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and you hear “We need to talk,” your mind goes directly to breakup mode.

I just knew it was over.
They say that it takes twice as long to get over as it takes to get to know.
I knew that it would be a long 34 years.

34 years from now,
you’ll be retired and I’ll be running my private practice
helping others in the place of you.
I would no longer have you to give that extra push. Others would need that shove.

Maybe I can catch it early.
Maybe they won’t have to grow up with the pain from their past.
Maybe I could be their reason for letting go.
Maybe I can be the voice of reason to a girl surrounded by close-minded hypocrites,
the one who tells her that it’s okay to love who she loves.

I thought that my heart would break into two. But I already saw it coming. I spent the next few hours imagining what you’d share during our next conversation.

It’s that time…
You’re deploying and can’t stand the thought of leaving me here alone.
My greatest fear is now a reality.
You’re not happy and would rather end it now before you resented me.

Well my imaginations were half right. You weren’t deploying. My soldier was still going to be on this side of the world just not in mine. Just one of my worst fears was coming true. But it didn’t hurt any less.

Nothing hurt as much as the time you no longer wanted to be my friend. At least you’d still be in my life. That’s if I would have you. At least I still had my best friend.

What do you do when the only person who knows your worth tells you they’re not worthy of your love and the only person you chose to freely give your love to, doesn’t know how to deal with it? What if they’re not ready for the love you’ve been cultivating just for them.

That’s when you take all of the energy that you used to exhale the moment you realized that you could finally be with the love of your life and use it elsewhere.
It’s okay to cry…

They say that time heals all wounds, but I say oxygen prevents scars. It’s okay to cry, take all the time you need.


April 30 in 30 #6: Grafitti

We share a gift.
They accept mine
more freely.
You provide words for all to see.
I hide behind
Metaphors, simile,
An art that many would not understand
yet judge
like the church before judgment day.
Don’t let them see you sweat.
Our gifts came from the same God
that they serve.
Let your words be seen,
by a generation
That has stopped listening
to some of mine.
I’ve given my all to the art.
You’ve shared your heart
on a wall
In hopes of someone witnessing your past
as they pass
the nearest bridge
that I’ve often
been scared to cross.
Rejection gave me reason
to no longer submit
to a cause that not many supported.
But you never waited
on the opportunity.
You stole it
in hopes of sharing
what they refused to.
I guess we both have that dream,
To be heard, To be seen,
To share, To write

No More Settling

People say that I’m picky when it comes to who I date. That would explain why I spend so much time being single. I must say that I don’t completely agree with being picky. I just have standards. I have been in relationships where I settled because I hadn’t met anyone that could meet my standards. As I have gotten older, I refuse to settle. There are some things that I just won’t compromise on.

One thing that I refuse to compromise on is my God. I am very open about my faith. My spirituality means more to me than anything. If the guy that I’m dating can’t meet me on a spiritual level, it would never really work. I need a guy who can pray me out of a situation. If something is going on and my faith is lacking, I need him to uplift me in scripture and in prayer. I can’t deal with both of us folding under pressure. At the same time I want to be able to lift him up as well. Encouraging him to continue to follow God’s path and everything else will fall into place.

Another thing that I can’t compromise on is family. I love my family so much. After losing my dad, my mom and sister became my everything. I have a new niece. She’s all sorts of awesome. They mean the world to me and I want to be able to share that with whomever I’m dating. I would also love to meet his family. There is something about getting to know the people who helped mold him into the man that he is.

Ambition is another thing. There has to be some sort of goals that are in place. I’m full of all sorts of dreams and goals. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is stagnant. There is always room for growth. Intellectually, I want to be able to connect with him. I want to be able to share my dreams with him. His excitement would make me all the more joyous. I love to share my visions with people, especially when I see them right in front of me.

He also has to be my friend. I should be able to talk to him about any and everything. Something amazing happens when you can be best friends with your mate. It helps you to understand them on a completely different level.

All of these things could be difficult for some, but others not so much. However, they are important to me. So the moral of this story is: No more settling for anything less than I need. I’m sure that guy will come around soon enough.



Letter to my future husband

    I was online the other day and saw Novel tweet something that got me to thinking. He tweeted “I’m not single. I’m just in a long distance relationship with my future wife. #shesouttheresomewhere.” This hit a nerve for me. I guess I sort of feel the same way. The only difference is I’m in a long distance relationship with my future husband. He doesn’t quite know that I’m his future wife. Although, this is true, I pray for him on a regular basis. I need my God to shield and protect him on his journey to me. I have to make sure that he’s taken care of before he finds his rib that can protect him even more. Well, I decided to write a letter to him. Maybe one day he’ll read this and think, “She’s been ready for me a long time.”

To my future husband

    I know you may not know who I am yet, but I felt the need to inform you of some things. First, I’m so utterly and unconditionally in love with you. I pray for you on a regular basis. Life is hard. There are times when I wonder how you’re doing. I wonder if you’re having a good day. I wonder if God is taking care of you for me. Things get difficult, and I think of you. I know that you’re out there somewhere in search of that rib you’ve been missing. Hopefully, it feels empty there. But don’t worry; there is just enough room for me. I pray that we can be best friends. Your friendship means the world to me. I also hope that we can be prayer partners. Nothing in the world will bring us closer.

    Pursue your dreams. No dream is too big. God gave you gifts for a reason, use them. Maybe one day, we can share our gifts. God gives us visions for a reason. They are visuals of things to come. Just like, I had a vision of you, your visions are just as important. I had a vision that you and I were beyond close and that God was our center. Things couldn’t be better.

    People are going to read this letter and wonder who you are. I’ll be wondering also. The only difference is that I know you exist. I know that you’re somewhere preparing for your meeting with me. I hope that God has told you all about me. So when we finally do meet, there won’t be many surprises. But I promise that you won’t have a boring day with me. I’ve been waiting my entire life almost to share all of my ideas with you. So hurry up and find me, I’m waiting.

Love Always,

Your Future Wife

P.S. Thank you in advance, for our beautiful son. He has eyes like yours, with hair like mine! J

Suppressed…….. Not depressed

So I was recently reading a blog that made me question some things about my writing. I get writer’s block sometimes. After reading a post by one of my favorite bloggers, Erica Riva, I’m not so sure if its block or if I’m having a battle within myself. She asked, “As a writer, do you sometimes feel suppressed?” Well the answer to that is an easy one.

    My answer is that most of the time I find myself writing for other people rather than writing for myself. I use to write and be extremely open about how I felt. All of that changed when I came across the world of spoken word. At that point, I was no longer writing just for me, I was writing for an audience. I was penning for an audience that could be offended by something that I said. They may judge me because of my feelings or the lack thereof. I shut down in a way. I wasn’t being honest with myself or the audience.

    I find something strange. My friend gave me the name PoeticXposure because he says that I expose myself through my poetry. This turns out to be not as true as he would think. I’ve begun to not expose myself to certain people. If there was someone in the audience that I felt would be offended by a piece, I would perform something else. Eventually this will have to stop. I’ve written things that are dear to me, that expose me beyond what I’m comfortable with. Have I performed those pieces? You ask, of course not. Maybe one day soon. Maybe I’ll be comfortable enough to let the world in on how I truly feel, regardless of people’s guarantee to be offended by something I wrote.

    With this blog, I find myself not posting things because I’m not sure if I’m being too open or not. I keep reminding myself that this is my life that I’m telling people about, and most of the time, it’s not just my story that I’m telling, its someone else’s. I feel like I’m not being completely honest with my readers, or with myself. So I’ve said all of that to say this. I will live up to my name. I will stop hiding behind what some would say my computer screen. I’ll share more. I’ll give more. I’ll expose more. It’s about time that everyone gets to know the person that I try so hard to hide.

Thank you for reading!


A Graduation worth Praying For

Disclaimer: I’m extremely late posting this. So the first paragraph isn’t accurate. I am not currently where it says I am. I actually wrote this about three months ago. But nonetheless, the sentiment is the same.

So… I’m sitting in my cousin’s apartment. It’s 7:35 am and I’m patiently awaiting my trip to Murfreesboro. My cousin whose apartment I’m not sitting in is graduating today. It’s been a long journey for him. I’m slightly emotional for a lot of different reasons.

Let’s start by explaining how close we were. We were in the same homeroom for years because in our school district classes were arranged in alphabetical order. We did everything together. He was the first person to introduce me to the baked potato. I had no idea they were so delicious. He also taught me how to build a salad. We weren’t allowed either of those until we reached the fifth grade. This was “adult food” I guess. He was also the reason that I got into plenty of trouble. He did most of the dirt and I just took half the blame. I was a good kid, so you can imagine how this affected my reputation. 

Eventually, we grew up and we grew apart. He moved to another city and I stayed in the same place. We later, both went off to college in different cities as well. We kept in touch through Facebook but I hadn’t seen him in years.

He was in a car accident our sophomore year in college. He fell into a coma. He had swelling in his brain and the doctors thought he would be in that coma for months. I like to say that he was sleeping. I use to say that he was having a conversation with God while he restored his strength and healed his body. This was the most difficult time for me. I don’t think I’ve prayed so much in my life. He had to get better. I hadn’t seen him in years and I was going to see him again, alive and well. My mom wouldn’t let me drive to see him in the hospital, which made me angry. She said there was nothing that I could do but I felt so far away at school. None of my schoolwork mattered because I had him on the brain. I found myself going into bathrooms to pray for him. My friend (his best friend) kept me informed on his progress. In the meantime, I posted statuses on his Facebook page telling him how much I loved him and that he better wake up soon, to stop being stubborn and to come back to us.

He woke up and tried to escape. You would’ve thought he was in jail, the way he was acting. My cousin!! I love him so much. My faith grew so much during this time. It made me realize that if you’re going to trust God then you need to wholeheartedly trust him, not just a little bit. We had no choice but to put complete trust in him, there was nothing that we could do but wait. There were prayers going up from all over. I was constantly in prayer during this time. I think everyone was. Our mutual friend, his best friend gave me updates on his progress. I remember when she called to tell me that he woke up. I had a roommate at the time. I left the room and went into the bathroom. I had a praise break. I was so excited. I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing. I was so thankful for his life and for God’s faithfulness in his life.

This one event brought us closer again. It also brought me closer to God. I’ll always refer to that time as a renewal for me. I rededicated my life to Christ that year. I also got baptized for the first time. Things were looking up. I served a God who was faithful. I had witnessed James 5:16 first hand “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” I was and forever will be grateful for his life. Also, I will forever be grateful for a new life in him. I may not be in a perfect place, but I’m definitely far from where I use to be.

I love you J!!