This is How You Love Her: When You’ve Found Your Rib

This is how you love her (1)

Most girls have planned their weddings before they ever go on their first date. They cook pretend meals for their pretend husbands and change pretend diapers on their pretend babies. But this is all in preparation for the real thing.

She was ready for you before she ever met you. She prayed that when you met, she would know right away. When she went on her first date, she wondered if she would luck up and meet the love of her life on the first try. Of course, she didn’t. But when that boy broke her heart, her father was the one to tell her that any boy who didn’t want her was crazy and that she deserved better.

She spent the next few years looking for that in a man. She searched for her father in a world full of sons. She dated them all. She dated the popular guy who made her feel like she was the only girl who mattered, until she wasn’t. She dated her best friend who decided that their friendship was too important to ruin. Yet, a few years later, that friendship ended for an unrelated reason. She dated the shy kid who suddenly started to see his worth and decided to share that with the world.

She cultivated a man. She saw his strengths, she mended his weaknesses. She gave him something to believe in and he married someone else. But she wished his wife the best. After all, he had finally reached his potential. At least she got to see all of her hard work come to fruition, even if it wasn’t with her.

There’s something about a girl who loves hard. Even when he isn’t for her, she pours so much love into him that it’s bound to overflow back into her life. But she hasn’t always felt that way.

You’ll meet her and it’ll feel like everything you’ve ever missed is standing right in front of you, every prayer wrapped inside of one person, every dream turned a reality. It’ll feel like you’ve been missing a part of you but you never noticed until it was back at your side.

“Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” Genesis 2:22-23

You’ll remember the time that you broke your finger and find out soon that she smashed her finger that year. Bone of your bone. Though the pain wasn’t as intense, she shared that moment with you. Your lives have crossed in more ways than one and you wonder how you ever lived without her. You realize that she’s been through hell before you and you make it your mission to give her all of the love that she’s given to people who didn’t know how to deal with it.

You look at her and you see her heart. You see all the pain she’s endured and how she’s overcame it and wonder how she still has room to love you. She’ll love you back to life. She’ll show you that everyone you dated previously was nothing like the person that God created from you, for you. You still can’t believe it.

You’ll watch her grow just from being in your presence and you realize that neither of you could reach your full potential until you could reach it together.  That’s been God’s plan all along. All of those prayers were being manifested inside of a woman who knew as soon as she met you. Your side feels like home. She can’t be sad there. It’s exactly what she’s been missing. No wonder she’s been lost. Her home was always with you.

So love her, like you’ve wanted to be loved all your life. She’ll never disappoint you. She’ll never leave your side. Besides, she is your rib, after all.

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For The Girl Who Wants to be out of Her Feelings and in a Relationship…

letters-to-a-younger-meYou’ll fall in love, a lot, place them on pedestals, and give them all of you with nothing to show for it. They won’t return the favor. You’ll cherish the company, but hate the lack of attention. You’ll wish you were single. You’ll pray that they get it right. They won’t.

You’ll compare those men to your father. They’ll never meet his standards. You’ll realize that it’s almost impossible to do so. You’ll lower your standards. Every guy who approaches you after this fact will act accordingly. They’ll tell you that they love you. You’ll believe them. They’ll leave you for someone less  likely to love them. After all, you’re the first girl to ever love them completely. You’ll offer to help them become the best them. They won’t care enough to let you.

You’ll get your heartbroken and finally give in to reality, falling in love with whoever you want. You won’t let the rest of the world dictate who you love. You’ll love them unconditionally. They’ll be your best friend. You’ll fall on hard times. It’ll be too much for them to handle. They’ll break up with you before your one-year anniversary. You’ll cry. They’ll find someone else. You’re left to pick up the pieces. They’ll continue to want to be your friend. It will be hard and damn near impossible.

You’ll try the newest dating apps, POF and BAE. You’ll meet your cousin. You’ll have about three conversations before you realize you’re related. He’ll be upset. He’ll like you anyway. He’ll say, “It’s not like we’re first cousins.” You’ll tell him this isn’t Mississippi. You’ll stop calling and answering. He’ll get upset. You refuse to be kissing cousins. He doesn’t care. You’ll wonder how things would have turned out had he not been your cousin. You refuse to give your children a reason to be handicap. He seems to not care. You distance yourself from him. He calls you three months later. You’ve met someone new, a potential boyfriend maybe. He backs off.

You start to receive phone calls from that ex in college who still won’t admit to cheating on you back then. He’ll say he misses you. You miss him too. You invite him over. You spend the weekend together. He asks when you will get back together He leaves. You keep in touch. A month later, there’s a Facebook post. He’s having a baby. You wonder when it will happen for you.

You start to believe that you’re the stepping stone for men who want to get married. You show men how to love. You show them what it’s like to be loved by a woman who isn’t afraid of the word. They take what they learned and let it work for their next relationship. They’ll ask you to be a part of their wedding. You’ll be angry, but you do it. You spend the entire wedding happy for him until you see the way he looks at his bride as she walks down the aisle. You try to remember the last time someone looked at you like that. It hasn’t happened, yet. You shed a tear. People around you think they’re happy tears. Your best friend knows the truth. She says, “I thought you were over him.” You thought you were too. You’ll sit through the rest of the wedding. You’ll go to the reception. You go out with the new couple afterwards. You go home, alone.

You’ll join a single’s group. You’ll meet someone. He’s already in love with someone. You wonder why even be in a single’s group if you’re not really single. You X him out of potential suitors. You spend Valentine’s day at a single’s mixer with ten women and three men. One of the men doesn’t even like women. You have fun. You go to the movies and see “How to Be Single.” You go home, alone.

You spend the next few months reading love stories, talking to friends that are in relationships. You live vicariously through them. You fall in love wit the idea of being in love. You wonder when your chance will come. Everyone you went to school with is getting married or having kids. You want the same.

You’ll meet someone. He’ll become your friend. He’ll tell you everything you want to hear. He’ll spend his days getting to know you. He’ll tell you things he hasn’t shared with anyone else. You’ll spend hours on the phone getting to know each other. He’ll cure your insomnia. Conversations will turn into speechless conversations and you’ll feel like a fifteen year old all over again. Your anxiety tells you that this is too good to be true. It’ll tell you that this is only temporary. He’ll find someone who he likes better than you. But that day never comes. He only has eyes for you. He’ll put those anxieties to rest and make sure that you know he isn’t going anywhere. You aren’t going anywhere. He’ll be the manifestation of everything you’ve ever prayed for. He’ll come wrapped in a different package. He won’t be your type. But types keep people single. Your type never worked out before. This will be a good thing.

You’ll remember the days when you were just a girl who wanted to be out of her feelings and in a relationship. None of that will matter anymore. You’ll walk down the aisle to your favorite song, to your favorite man. He’ll love you for life. The only time you’ll be in your feelings is because he put your there, in a good way.

Dating

Sometimes I find myself treating dates as though I’m a lot older than I really am. It’s difficult to date when my taste in men seems to differ from the type of guys I’m usually around. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. I can see myself falling in love with my best friend or meeting someone in a cafe and sparking a conversation that lasts for hours. I use to be so in love with the feeling of being in love that I sometimes mistook that for being in love with that person. That was obviously a mistake.

I’ve grown a lot since then. I’ve realized that no matter how much I want to be in love, what matters most is who I’m in love with. I’ve also learned that if that person doesn’t love themselves it’s completely irrational to think that they would be able to receive love from someone else.

I found myself trying to love a man who didn’t really know what it felt like to be loved. He didn’t really love himself so when I showed him what it was like for someone to love him unconditionally, he didn’t know how to receive it. He wasn’t able to accept it for what it was.

Another thing that I learned, never give more than someone gives you. If you’re giving more than you’re receiving in a relationship, then you’re sowing into the wrong soil. I thank my pastor for that lesson. When I love, I love wholeheartedly. I’ve never been the type to minimize my love to fit someone else’s needs. I guess I tend to give overdoses. It becomes too much for them to handle. Especially when the feelings aren’t returned, things tend to end badly.

I’ve also learned that you don’t always end up with the person you think. Some things are better left alone. Everyone has that one that got away. Maybe it was your fault, maybe it was theirs, or maybe it was something beyond your control. It’s even harder to handle when you have to see that person every day.

I’ve said all of that to say this, things don’t always go as planned and everything happens for a reason. But no matter what, you have to accept it.

Thanks for reading!

VW