Dear Son: A Written Interpretation of a Spoken Word Piece by Urban Thoughts.

Urban Thoughts released a video interpretation of his poem “Dear Son” on last week. He asked me to write about it. So here is my written interpretation of this piece. Watch the video below, then read the rest of this post.

“The video became my healing. After I went into the Ozark mountains to finish some other writing, I ended up editing “Dear Son” with the film maker Jason Hall. It became the final poem. But I realized I hadn’t forgiven myself yet. The video became my forgiveness and redemption.” –Urban Thoughts 

For the men who have lost themselves in an abortion…

It’s never easy to say goodbye. Especially when another life is in your hands, another soul, another body. But when your life isn’t the only one at stake here, it becomes impossible.

While watching this video, I asked myself, “What would you do?”

I honestly couldn’t come up with an answer for that. But when you’ve lived your life for others, decisions never seem to be yours anymore.

When the decisions that you told yourself you’d never have to make are looking you in the face, it’s hard to make a choice.

When you’ve contemplated taking your own life, the idea of taking another seems like murder suicide. Because a small part of you dies as well. There’s a saying that with death comes new life. But it’s hard to live a life when you’re missing a piece of it.

But at some point you had to make a decision. Do you give up your future so that your son can have one? Do you change the course that God laid out for you, simply because you weren’t ready. It makes you wonder if readiness isn’t overrated. Nothing ever happens when you want it to happen. You’re never actually ready to be responsible for a new life.

But they say that everything happens for a reason. Even this. There’s a lesson in the pain. There’s a lesson in the regret. You don’t have to punish yourself for something that a younger you did. If we asked you today, that decision may have changed. But who knows how anything else would have turned out.

Even the smallest change in the past disrupts the climate. It changes the course of time. When you’ve given your all to a woman and she starts to harbor a piece of you, she becomes you. That pain that you felt, she felt it too. Women are incubators. Whatever you sow into them turns into something remarkable. You gave her a piece of you and even though she didn’t keep it. Even though that piece didn’t have a chance to grow. Her heart didn’t stop growing.

You asked a question… “Did you fight, like I should have fought for you?” You said that “[you] were reminded… that they say sons are like their fathers.”

If your son was like you, he knew the difference between a murder and a sacrifice. He knew the difference between a victim and a martyr. You weren’t a policeman or a Mr. Zimmerman. You were a young man who ran out of options. You were a young man who hadn’t gotten life figured out yet.

You were a man in love with a woman who hadn’t gotten life figured out yet. You were a young man who learned what it meant for silence to grow into constant yells and screams. Screams that grew from grief. But grief that led to prayer. Prayer that brought you closer to a God of forgiveness. That same forgiveness that you’ve learned to gift yourself. Because in reality, we’ve all done things we’re afraid to admit. We’ve all done things of which we’re ashamed. We’ve all done things that have taken us years to forgive.

They say that time heals all wounds. But I say that time exposes the scars. Those scars tell a story of why we’re still here. They tell the memories that we try to forget or the ones that we hold onto. Some memories we hold onto for dear life. Some scars we cut open so that the pain doesn’t disappear. We feel that if the pain leaves, so does the memory. But in that comes growth. Those same scars grow back stronger even when we try to make them wounds. Eventually they’ll all forgive themselves. It’s only right that you do too.

 

Credits:

Harley Quinn on (background vocals)

Poetic Sun and Suavo J (actors)

AC Dutch of 224 Studio (recording)

Jarvis Sumlin (J.D. Daltry) of KneeBraceMusic (audio production)

Tundrea Lyons (voiceover on the phone)

 

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When Waiting to Exhales Turns Into a Gasp for Air

When Waiting to Exhale becomes a Gasp for Air

I never knew what it meant to suffocate until that night…

You gave new birth to the meaning of the word. I couldn’t remember the last time I had an asthma attack, yet it was so easy for my lungs to give in to the pressure of not having enough room to breathe. I felt my chest collapse as though the world was on top of it. Five words:

I can’t be your friend…

This brought back six-year-old memories of asthma induced weight-loss…I remember secretly loving those moments where I was skinny… but only for a second.

But I didn’t love this feeling. I waited for the day you would give up on me, when your five-year chase would come to a screeching halt. Only I thought I would have a different reaction…

I never thought it would feel like a train wreck happened on the inside. It was as though someone ripped my heart right out of my chest.

I thought I knew what heartache felt like, but now, I’m not so sure.

The next 24-hours were the longest in history.
You gave me an ultimatum
and all I could think about was seeing you.

We sat
We cried
We talked
We cried.

I’d never heard you so hurt before.
Tears that only fell at funerals,
were falling because of me.

I knew that I couldn’t lose you
and I refused to risk it all.

No way would I deprive you of your happiness,
just because I chose to punish myself.

There was nothing keeping me from being with the love of my life,
just past hurt and religion.

——————————————————

When you’re almost 25 and with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and you hear “We need to talk,” your mind goes directly to breakup mode.

I just knew it was over.
They say that it takes twice as long to get over as it takes to get to know.
I knew that it would be a long 34 years.

34 years from now,
you’ll be retired and I’ll be running my private practice
helping others in the place of you.
I would no longer have you to give that extra push. Others would need that shove.

Maybe I can catch it early.
Maybe they won’t have to grow up with the pain from their past.
Maybe I could be their reason for letting go.
Maybe I can be the voice of reason to a girl surrounded by close-minded hypocrites,
the one who tells her that it’s okay to love who she loves.

I thought that my heart would break into two. But I already saw it coming. I spent the next few hours imagining what you’d share during our next conversation.

It’s that time…
You’re deploying and can’t stand the thought of leaving me here alone.
My greatest fear is now a reality.
You’re not happy and would rather end it now before you resented me.

Well my imaginations were half right. You weren’t deploying. My soldier was still going to be on this side of the world just not in mine. Just one of my worst fears was coming true. But it didn’t hurt any less.

Nothing hurt as much as the time you no longer wanted to be my friend. At least you’d still be in my life. That’s if I would have you. At least I still had my best friend.

What do you do when the only person who knows your worth tells you they’re not worthy of your love and the only person you chose to freely give your love to, doesn’t know how to deal with it? What if they’re not ready for the love you’ve been cultivating just for them.

That’s when you take all of the energy that you used to exhale the moment you realized that you could finally be with the love of your life and use it elsewhere.
Breathe…
Think…
Breathe…
It’s okay to cry…

They say that time heals all wounds, but I say oxygen prevents scars. It’s okay to cry, take all the time you need.

Just BREATHE!

Untitled

I prayed for the type of man I wanted to marry.

And then I prayed for you.

That same boy who cried the first time we broke up,

Now I’m the one crying over you.

 

Just a short poem that I wrote about how I was feeling at the moment. There wasn’t even a need for a title. My emotions were sudden and so was the poem. I must say that I didn’t expect to feel this way but it just happened, surprise! surprise!

VW